sickening

So Bev told me that the other day she caught Grace angrily pretend talking on the phone, slamming it down, then walking over and wiping her eyes on the towel on the stove while she pretended to cry. And it made me want to throw up. And all that guilt I was talking about... yeah.

And I hate to think what else is in her little memory.



And I'm restless. And that's ridiculous.

yay for Friday!

And yay for women at work who bring me rice crispy treats! Ok... for one in particular, who I absolutely adore (not just because she brings me rice crispy treats, but because she's super awesome). Seriously - picture this. Friday morning - the day looming ominously ahead (minus the gorgeous first real snow of the season)... I walk down the hallway and into the lounge to write down the time on my time sheet... and there, in my mailbox is the most gorgeously huge rice crispy treat in the WORLD. Fantastic... Annie rocks my world. It made my day (obviously, as I have managed an entire paragraph about it).

I've decided that paragraph was a bit spastic.

So the end of my work day consisted of walking out to my car and trying to figure out how to scrape the windshield without a scraper. Lucky for me I had an oven mitt (?!?) in my trunk, and a travel mug. While I can't say it worked beautifully... work it did.

A side note...

... I miss this region.

Depleted

So... I'm wondering where that job is, that instead of depleting you and making you feel like you're just working to work just to make money - that instead it leaves you feeling energized and like your life has purpose. I don't have any idea what that job would even look like. Sewing maybe? All the time just sewing? But would I then start to hate sewing because it would become my job? Maybe the nature of a job is that you hate it. I don't believe that though. I'm not sure what possessed me to try the daycare thing again though. I've done it before, I hated it then. I guess I can't really say hate - but it certainly wears me out.

I read a book. A love story, cuz I'm a sap - and a sucker for story with Indians (ahem... Native Americans), and love and... oh goodness. I used to want to be an Indian. Like real live. I wore moccassins - everywhere. I was 9. I read this book - I wore my moccassins the next two days to work.

In other news I've been racked with guilt lately. About all kinds of things, even silly things - just this overwhelming guilt. Like the fact that I jipped Grace out of the opportunity to have a sibling that's close in age to her. Talking with Lisa about this however, she brought up the excellent point of Shane (Ryan and Bev's baby, who will arrive in March). Then of course the heavy overwhelming guilt of past events. And I feel like people should wear their hazmat suits if they're going to come near me. Like contamination is not just a possibility, but likely.

And that being said, I've been lonely lately. Missing friends, and companionship. Although also of note - I had a wonderful visit from Kristin L. last Sunday (?) or the Sunday before (time sucks). Which was fantastic - and I had the chance to talk today with the gorgeous pieces of my heart, Amber and Lisa. And so why do I feel lonely, right?

And I have no color. The wish of course is iridescence. I have been all sorts of colors - black at the worst, smog at points, I think I may have been pink but that could be hindsight. And now - I'm color-less. Clear. Non.

Bad thing? Eh. I feel indifferent... twinged with guilt at the indifference.

Sweet Friday

This has been a week. Between the kids at work being insane, and insanely missing my daughter as she's been in NY with my parents, I'm about wreck.

I finished a book today on my lunch break (which I took outside, on a pleasantly warm picnic table - because it was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l) and had big plans to take it back to the library after work, and exchange it for a new read. I pulled my car into the library parking lot, walked (jauntily, I might add) up to the door, grasped the door handle and pulled. Big fat nothing. Seriously - what library closes at 6:00 pm on a Friday? Come on Bellefonte. I walked, dejected, to the drop off book box and said farewell to Ayn Rand. Of course sadder than the library being closed, is that my big plans for a Friday night were RUINED by said closing. Sad.

In happier news. Grace returns tomorrow. :)

Blogging every 2 weeks isn't too fantastic.

So I feel like I've had a lot of ideas on things to blog in the last few weeks... and haven't had time to - and so the thoughts escape when I actually sit down to write. Could have something to do with my dad's homemade elderberry wine which is making my mind a little loose too...

I was going to write about my time in KY. Family reunion. Fantastic. And I would talk about my favorite part... however in my mind I envisioned a couple of pictures... and links - and the computer connection is being stupid. So suffice it to say, check out tenonine.com for some excellent music.


I also started working... at a daycare. I watch other people's kids while scrambling to find people to watch my own and feel like a horrible mother in the meantime. The feeling is quadrupled today as Bo and Katie had their baby last night (Eva Adeline). Which I am of course extremely excited about, but my parents of course wanted to head up to NY, which left me without any childcare for the next few days, which means the only option was for them to take Grace with them. I had a bit of a breakdown today because of this.

And my mind's blank.